It's been a season to be quiet, I have sensed it. I have not been able to write, speak, or minister as well or as focused as I would hope. These things are an intricate part of my soul, so when it’s missing - it’s like a huge piece of me is lying dormant. But it’s been purposeful - God has kept things quiet. There is so much - too much often - I have just needed to be still and quiet. It’s killed me. It’s crazy how much our fulfillment can come from what we do and fruit God allows us to produce. I have learned this a thousand times. And, yet, It’s humbling to be shut down to be pruned. The pride and discomfort that is discovered in those quiet seasons…
But that’s another story for another day.
I have never been more perplexed, intrigued, curious and all of the other like words as I have been in this season. There is so much happening in my world that is so very unfamiliar, and I have these moments where it causes me to almost feel frozen in panic or terror. And then the whispered repeated question comes to my heart, "Do you trust me?" Like the eager disciple Peter, when asked by Christ if He loves Him, jumps to say, "Yes, of course, I love you." I quickly jump to yes. And, yet, I realize there are many moments where I just don’t.
Whether it’s my past, my temperament, my blatant obstinance - sometimes I just don’t trust Him. There are so many what if’s. Uncertainty can torment me and refuse to let up.
Yet, there’s a conclusion I come to almost every day. Radical obedience. It’s what I signed up for, what I committed to - and I WILL NOT give up.
Even in the moments I don’t really trust it is going to be okay. Even in the frequent moments I feel so very inadequate for every task in front of me. There is no giving up. In the end, I am not completely like Peter. Because, in the end, I refuse to deny my Father and His purposes. It doesn’t matter the fiery fear that threatens to consume me or cause me to want to run the opposite direction.
I have this tendency to over think and over complicate most things in life. Sometimes it serves me really well, and sometimes - well - my family and friends could tell you - it’s not so good.
Do we over think and over complicate our faith?
Maybe it is simple - trust and radical obedience…
I am constantly surrendering results over to Him. I don’t want to be responsible for gaining results in any area of my life. And, yet, that’s what I find myself doing in the moments where I lack trust. I discover that I somehow transferred the responsibility of results over to myself. It’s Christ in me who causes me to bear fruit. It’s Christ who draws people unto Him. It’s the Spirit of God that works in and through people to help them discover their need for Him. It's Him who is my provision and help in every time of need.
I am simply a conduit that has to be open, radically obedient, fully surrendered, and in constant communion with God. There is such a beautiful freedom in that.
It releases the tension, it eases the panic and gives peace to the fear.
It’s in His hands. I don’t have to fully understand everything He is doing. All of the things He is asking me to do doesn’t have to make sense. I do HAVE to trust in Him, hope in Him, and stay in constant communion with Him. And, there I will find peace and the strength to continue to walk forward in confidence.
I love the picture I used for this post. It's a season heavy with responsibilities that I feel I am unprepared and feel ill-equipped for, and so I constantly feel like I am drowning. And, yet, God. There is a fire lit within me that will not be extinguished no matter how overwhelmed - no matter how great the battle. It's fueled by Christ in me, with His power within me, I will not be overcome.