I just need a moment. This is happening. It's early morning and today a chapter closes in our lives as we move from one house to another. Saying goodbye is never an easy thing even when saying goodbye means welcoming good new things.
This house, this home. It has been my safe place for almost 6 years. Now I know to many people that may not seem like a lot. However, prior to moving here-we had moved 8 times in 8 years. And the home I moved from 8 years ago was a new home just purchased by my parents two years before that. I have lived in this house the longest I have lived anywhere since in high school. Suffice it to say it's a long time to me, and now I'm saying goodbye.
Life and death has marked these walls. Shortly after we moved in, we brought my mom who was battling stage 4 cancer here to live with us for awhile. We didn't know we were bringing her here to care for her in her last months of life. We finished part of the basement and turned our garage into a bedroom. The care and love shown to us by family and friends was God given. They swept in and in one week had remodeled our home to warmly and comfortably accommodate my mom. She lived 6 months with us, and then we had to say goodbye.
There were months and even a few years where I was desperate to move away, because every where my eyes fell would trigger a flashback full of pain.
That wasn't an option, and so I fought. And the home turned from a place of pain to a place of healing. It's walls were safe to me when my world was so dark and constantly shifting-I needed something firm to grab onto.
We brought Paxton home to this house about 6 weeks after my mom passed. The pain shifted a bit when new life was brought in. In my depression and grief, I stopped running from the home and embraced it as the one place I could be fully safe in every way.
By the time we brought Havyn home, painful memories were easing and I was beginning my journey of healing.
Since then there has been much laughter and life. Memories of babies crawling, taking their first steps, first days of school, birthday party extravaganzas with wonderful friends who are like family fill the corners of my mind. Dance parties and good night songs and prayers remind me of life in the midst of this ever changing dark world. Precious and sweet moments with my husband as we shared sorrow and dreams, and the ever favorite crashing at the end of the night to veg on Netflix.
Of course, in the midst of all that was a million moments of failure as parents and spouses. And, yet, God restores and redeems.
God gave grace in abundance, and this home moved from death to life. I moved from defeat to victory. My family was birthed and formed, and we saw redemption.
My temperament is one that seeks the familiar, the known. I feed off of my environment. It unnerves me to move away from this familiar, safe place that brings such comfort. Yet, I know it's time. For every season...and the time is now. This moment. God is with us and He is giving us grace. I will be ok, my babies will be ok. In fact, I am confident we will be better than ok. Not because there won't be hardship in this next home, because such is life. Simply because we are walking in His path for our lives, and in Him there is joy and life. No place I would rather be.
In fact, when we said yes to starting a church - I joked and said I would live in my van if necessary. I just wanted to follow Christ, holding nothing back. I joked, but my heart truly said anywhere, any price. I was prepared for anything. And, yet, God in his graciousness went beyond our expectations and placed a sweet little home just for us in West Hartford. It's more than I could have expected or really asked for considering this next season of ministry. But God gave us a gift.
My heart is grieving. I have no idea what we are walking into. I am not even sure how it is going to work together, where provision will always come from other than God will provide it. I don't even know that the people living where we are going want us there or will welcome us into their lives. I am walking out of familiar and safe, and diving into a sea of unknown and uncertainty. My kids are saying goodbye to everything they know. It is hard. It will be hard. And, in some ways, it seems we are crazy. And if we are, we are crazy for Christ.
But it is good and it is right. So that all may know the grace and greatness of our God.
2 Corinthians 5:13-18
13 If it seems we are crazy, it is to bring glory to God. And if we are in our right minds, it is for your benefit. 14 Either way, Christ’s love controls us.[a] Since we believe that Christ died for all, we also believe that we have all died to our old life.[b] 15 He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves. Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them. 16 So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know him now! 17 This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! 18 And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him.
Following Christ is a bit crazy, sometimes scary and it sometimes even brings pain. Yet, it is full of life and adventure-and most of all joy.
I press on, I endure. I hope in Christ. And I walk in gratefulness for the kind provision of my Heavenly Father.