I'm freaking out. Seriously. As much as I wish I could stop time I can't. My first born, my blue eyed baby boy graduated preschool today. He starts kindergarten in the fall, and I am a bit beside myself. Who knew?
I was that mom a few years back dreaming of school days where I would have a break, a few moments where I could choose what I did with my time. Then I had two more kids in two years...and I got healthier. It's not that I don't have moments like that anymore...just not as often.
I am now grateful for every moment. I used to hate when people said that to me. It's what you say, you know. "It goes by so fast, you will blink and it will be over. Enjoy every moment". Which I have found true, but I had to discover it on my own. I had to learn how to enjoy it in my own time and in my own way. But that's another subject for another time.
Back to me freaking out...
Not only is my boy leaving behind the days of preschool and toddlerhood, my last baby, my sweet little princess baby turned 6 months this week.
A little side note: she is the sweetest, most beautiful baby alive. She is happy most of the time. She loves to cuddle and give slobbery kisses all over my face. She adores her brothers, and has daddy wrapped around all fingers (and me too).
So yeah, this is it folks, I am 6 months away from leaving the infant stage forever. Big gulp...
I just don't know if I am ready for all of this. I hate change. Good or bad, it always throws me. Causes this nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don't need a lecture, though. I know this is all good. They are growing. It's what is supposed to be. Yet, I want to cling to what I am familiar with and what I know to be true right now.
I want my almost kindergartener to remain safe in my care. I want him close. Not in the scary, unknown world of big kid school. He is very tender, kind, and compliant. These are great strengths for him, yet could become weaknesses in the world we live in now - if we do not nurture confidence, boldness, and courage. I fear he will get stomped on. I worry he will get into trouble. I worry he will change. With all if the "common core" discussion, I get concerned he won't keep up academically.
It's a lack of control, ultimately, that I fear. It's the unknown and the unchartered territory.
And see, the thing is, he will probably fail. Many times. He will trip, and he will fall. He will bend and he will break. His eyes will be opened to a scary new world. And, as much faith as I have in God, I know He will let him.
Oh, he will be protected from many things. There will be many trials that God will prevent. But there will be many that God will allow. I will be there waiting, but I won't always fix it and most times I won't be able to fix it. As I always do, I will pray for protection. I selfishly want his life to be protected and as close to perfect as it can get, yet since I know that is ultimately not realistic and neither is it what is best for him, I simply pray this for my sweet firstborn.
May each shattered dream lead you to Christ. May each broken piece draw you to our Heavenly Father. May each disappointment reveal a love that is greater than ours. May you learn with every problem that there is a Great Problem Solver. That, although, He will not always solve your problems - He will give you what you need to walk with the strength through the problem. May you know that there is a strength, boldness, and confidence inside of you that comes only from the Creator God that made you. Many times He will seem unnecessary or absent or even uncaring, but know, if you seek Him through the trials and roller coasters of life - He will be found and will be all that you need. Through your struggles, you will discover true and deep joy. You will discover strength, contentment, and peace. You will learn and understand the true meaning of "blessed". A concept not found in earthly, tangible things - but in the unseen, intangible, and eternal. Learn, grow, explore, discover...but may you know that your daddy and I will always be here cheering you on, loving you, believing in you, praying for success that is not found in all your dreams coming true, but success that comes when you find great confidence and joy through the broken dreams.
There is an incredible book entitled, "Shattered Dreams", that has given me a wonderful perspective on the inevitable difficulties of life. My own shattered dreams have proven to bring a joy, strength, and peace that no safety, security, or protection could have provided. Through God's faithfulness, grace, and wisdom (wisdom provided by many sources), I am learning to pray less for protection from the hard stuff of life, and more to find a deep understanding of our Creator and a love and joy that is found only through brokenness.
As we enter into unchartered territory with our precious 5 yr old, this is what I work to pray for him. I say "work", because although I know it's truth and has eternal value, it is not natural or easy. God help me. Give me grace and wisdom in this next season.
I celebrate you, my firstborn. You are amazing.
Thank you, God, for the gift of my children.