Grief is unwanted, uninvited and unpredictable. It attaches itself to you. Some days it makes itself known and other days it just hangs out in the background. Either way it makes sure you know it is there, and it will not be ignored. Right now is one of those seasons that grief not only will not be ignored, but it fills every thought and moment. I knew March would be difficult. But this time of year overall has brought a lot of painful memories of my mom's last months/days. It has also brought memories of my parents, and a desperate longing to see them again. March is a month filled with reminders of what once was, and longings of what could have been.
To put the icing on the cake, the estate sale of my parent's home was scheduled March 1st. What a way to begin one of the most difficult months. I don't want to go into the details of how it feels to know that your parents belongings (and items that were a part of your own life) are being taken away. I cannot quite put into words what it feels like to see their home stripped clean in photo's that are posted to entice someone else to establish their happy family there. Suffice it to say that it hurts terribly, and just makes you really sad for what you have lost and will never have again.
Tomorrow, March 13, it will be one year since my mom's passing. My precious mom who fought so hard, who received her eternal reward way too early at 50 yrs old. March 21 is her birthday. She would have been 52 yrs old. March 31st would have been my parent's 34th anniversary. I officially want to just hit delete on the month of March.
The feeling of isolation that grief creates is accentuated during these type of events (anniversaries, birthdays, etc). Those days approach, and it seems you are the only one feeling an immense pain that cannot be contained or described. You know that only your family and maybe a few close friends would understand or recognize or remember. You want to press the pause button on this fast moving world, and tell everyone to stop and remember what your heart is remembering. You want the world to stop for a moment, and feel the pain that you feel. Just stop.
But it doesn't stop, and I can't expect it to...what I can do is find solace and rest in my Savior's arms. Because He does remember. He knows. He is so very aware of my brokenness...brokenness that is accentuated by the grief and painful memories that this month brings. Yet, He is also so aware of brokenness that goes beyond my grief to those messy places of my heart that no one sees. The messy places like my messy desk in my house that I just keep piling things on. And in the midst of it all, in the midst of a terrible month like March...He gently reminds me of the cross. He reminds me of His sacrifice and His resurrection. The life that He offers. And through His precious shed blood, he helps me mend the pieces of my shattered life and heart.
You know what hurts also...knowing that the cracks will remain even after He has pieced me back together. My perfectionist nature wants to delete March, because it reminds me of my brokenness, my loss and the imperfection of my world. Most of us want God to mend us, but we do not want the cracks or scars that remain. It is easier to wrap up the brokenness, send it away and pretend it didn't happen. I am learning, though, that God wants a life that operates with cracks. It is easier for him to flow through. One day, when He has fully mended the broken pieces of my heart, I will be grateful for March. Simply because it drives me to my knees and back to the cross...back to surrender and dependence. As a result, accepting the indescribable peace He offers (cracks, scars and all).
March is very sad, but I can't help but think of how March will end. A celebration of an incredible Savior who gave all for freedom and rescue from brokenness. Right now, though, I will allow myself to grieve and be sad. All the while, my Savior will hold my hand and keep me going with glimpses of the hope I have in Him.