The pain that comes from loss is an ocean that can sometimes leave you floating on top, feeling as if you are moving towards the shore of peace and healing. Or, with no warning at all, yanks you under and causes you to feel as if you are drowning.
When you begin to combine losses, well, that just takes you farther out into the depths of the ocean.
You end up looking around you one day, and realizing that you are just really tired and worn.
Yet in the midst of this pain and weariness is the promise of freedom and rescue. A freedom that comes alone from the cross.
Our precious Father just keeps bringing me back to His feet, at the cross. In the blood poured out, I feel the depth of the Savior's love. This deep, everlasting love fills every part of me. It's a love that says it is okay to grieve. My Savior is not uncomfortable with my pain, my grief or even my shame. He grants me permission to pour my tears out at his feet. Tears that heal and cleanse. He cries with me. I mean, truly. There are moments in the most intense parts of my grief that I feel Him grieving with me. He brings me in close, and whispers words of love and hope.
He invites us to sit at His feet, to see and remember the cross. Try it. Take a moment in your day. Envision yourself sitting before the cross of our Savior. The blood spilling out on the ground where you kneel. Each drop representing our sin, our pain, our disease, our brokenness, our shame, our grief...all of the worse parts of ourselves.
He has given it all. Hebrews 12: 2 says "we fix our eyes on Jesus, the perfecter of our faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
So, that we will not grow weary and lose heart. It brings me back to the words of Paul in the New Testament. Sorrowful, yet rejoicing...because He endured the cross. For my sin, for my rescue. So, that when I am drowning in my pain - I know that there will be a sweet, nail scarred hand reaching out to keep me from falling to the bottom of the ocean floor. When I have cried all of my tears and poured out all of my pain for that moment, he will gently lift me up to keep floating again...always toward the shore of my healing.
Father - continue to lead us to your cross...reminding us where to fix our gaze for we know that alone brings sweet healing and joy.