Alright, so here we are again. Many months later before I actually make another post. Yikes. I typically am not one who is so flaky with my decisions. This writing thing is not easy. I always feel as if I have to be in the mood, and have something profound to say. Well, I obviously have not had much to say lately. I just haven't been in the mood.
But here we are...I'm in the mood.
I very recently had a counselor tell me that as a person, we are made up of three parts. Our bodies, our spirit and our souls. Each of these parts have to be fed for us to be healthy and whole human beings. Now maybe I am a bit dense, but this blew my mind. And speaking of profound...this was profound to me.
I have often struggled over the last years in facing the different situations I have. This "journey" of mine has been filled with many ups and downs, and a whole lot of grief and pain. Through it all I have drawn so close to my precious Heavenly Father. He has sustained me in my darkest, most painful moments. He has given me countless provision through His Word. He has continued to give new revelations of Him when I choose to listen. Yet, I still find myself finding difficulty pulling out of the "fog" of discouragement, depression and grief. I have times of joy or happiness, but it is not that abundant life that He promises.
I have asked myself many times how and why? How can I be closer to the Lord than I ever have been, and yet drag through so many of my days. Of course, me being the overachiever I am, my next question would be "what am I doing wrong and how can I fix it?"
By this simple illustration, this person explained that your spirit can be fed and as a result be strong. Yet if your soul is not fed as well, you are not whole and cannot overcome in the way that God wants. According to this theory, your soul is made up of your mind, will and emotions. If any one of those parts are not taken care of or fed - you basically become off balanced resulting in a struggle between the brokenness of your soul and the wholeness of your spirit. So, in other words, you can trust the Lord and work to draw close. Yet, remain broken in your soul causing struggles emotionally and in your mind and will.
So, my conclusion, I am basically out of whack. No surprise there.
In all seriousness, I am off balanced. My soul is beaten, battered and bruised by the journey of my life. I have had seasons, times where I have made efforts to feed it, help it. But really after so much loss, I am not quite sure how to do that. I continue to feed my spirit, but lately-as good as that is-I have felt the Lord showing me that it is not enough. I must feed all parts of myself, and my soul is seriously lacking. He wants us to be whole people, healthy in every area. And, because of His great love for us, He will not allow us to remain unhealthy in any part. He will use His Holy Spirit to convict and cause discomfort until we turn to Him and allow Him to make us whole. Amazingly enough, reading my Bible more and praying harder will not be enough. I must, through the Lord's help and the tools He has given, feed my soul.
So, for me, I know that will mean allowing myself to grieve. I have become very impatient with grief, and have stunted the process. Funny this was a blog about my grief journey, and yet I found myself creating detours. I grieve, but I allow myself to be distracted very easily. God is bringing me back. It will mean me rediscovering who I am in Christ and who He has created me to be as a wife, mother and minister. It will mean me revisiting each twist and turn through this journey of pain and loss...something that I am entirely uncomfortable with...something that even triggers fear. It will mean opening myself up and processing my emotions with others. (I am a very private person.) It will mean doing whatever is necessary to allow the fog and darkness to dissipate and Christ's light to burn bright.
Through it all, the Lord is promising to be with me and be near. He is promising healing. The phrase that reverberated through my heart and mind at the beginning of this year was, "Behold, I make all things new." His blood covers all...not only sin, but my sorrows as well.
This is pretty transparent, I guess. It would make many uncomfortable. Heck, it makes me uncomfortable. However, I wonder if we were all to be a little more transparent...would our souls be healthier?
Sweet, Jesus, the pain is great - yet you are always there, always faithful to show me where to go and what to do. So undeserving are we of your love, grace and mercy.