As I head into this Oklahoma trip this weekend, I have been thinking about all that has changed already since my mom died. It is amazing when you lose someone that is so much a part of you, everything changes. I hate change. I like change when I initiate it. When it is done to make things better, but even then I squirm and cringe when trying to adjust to it. Even the good change... So, you can imagine how negative change impacts my life. It makes me feel panicked at times. Like I have been blocked in on every side and cannot move forward for fear that I will lose too much.
It is the simple things...Cavin has flown on an airplane multiple times throughout the year since the day he was born. Typically we would have a trip to see my mom and family in OKC every few months...or we would be vacationing with her somewhere. It has been 6 months since Cavin has flown. Not too much of a change yet, but I know that it will continue to get less often. He loves flying...it makes me sad. We will go less often simply because my mom is gone. She was the one that many times paid for our tickets, and made it happen for us to come there or to go on vacation with her.
I keep my phone with me at all times. That started the day that my dad died. I didn't have it with me that day. I wish I had. So, now it is with me at all times. However, I regularly received texts and calls...from my mom. Now I can go days without getting much of anything accept a call or text from my sisters every few days. Yet, I find myself still...checking it constantly. Why do I keep doing that? It is not necessary. I worried constantly for my mom, I regularly anticipated that dreaded call or text that she may not be doing well. Thankfully it didn't happen too often. However, the phone still stayed glued to my side because it calmed my heart every time I heard from her in some way. And, of course, I would call and text her constantly. I don't have anybody I worry or fret over anymore. It's this hole, and I find myself not knowing what to do with it. It feels awkward.
That's another thing...calling and texting someone. Besides Brad, she was the first I called and texted about anything and everything. I continually find myself needing to call or text her...or someone...again there is a hole and it just doesn't feel right.
Oklahoma will forever be changed. My parent's house was my home away from home. It felt like mine just as much as it was theirs. It was the central "hub" for all of us. Once it is gone...
There is so much, I could go on and on. This change hurts like hell. I often find myself not knowing what to do with it and the feelings it evokes. At times it makes me want to cower and not move for fear that more change will occur.
But...with all of that said...I just keep trying to remind myself that God doesn't not change. I have lost a precious relationship with both of my parents, but I can never lose my relationship with God. Nothing and no one can take that away. He is alive and ever present with me. His faithfulness does NOT change. His love endures. And I cling to that simple truth.
“For I the LORD do not change; therefore you, O children of Jacob, are not consumed. Malachi 3:6
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17
"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail." Lamentations 3:22