Have you ever had moments where you need to just sit before God who knows all, sees all...just sit...squeeze your eyes tightly shut...shut out all the noise and just breath in and remember? Remember He is Lord. He is God overall. He is faithful.
I have lived in New England for 8 winters now, and have never gotten used to winter in March. Each year, in February, I am ready to pack up the winter gear and say see you next time. And, yet, I am never fooled by the few days of warmer temps and melted snow. I know that the evilness of extended winter is still present and it's teasing me. Back in OKC, spring is hitting in February and definitely by late March. After 25 years in the Midwest, my body does not want to adjust to dead of winter STILL present in March. March is a hard month-it's the month I fight the most in mood swings and depression as my body and soul would be screaming for sun and fresh air. I would sit like a cat in the sun, and run outside at the first sign of warmer temps. I'm aching for spring, and yet winter remains. Warm sunny days are grace sustaining until the dark days of winter finally let themselves to rest.
How fitting that my mom would pass in March, and her birthday would be march, and the wedding anniversary of my parents would be in March. Dark days of winter while I'm screaming for Spring.
Good things DO happen in March, and after years passed, the fresh grief causes less pain.
But like my inability to get used to extended winters, I can't just ignore the twinges of pain that arise out of the healed wounds of my soul. Some scars will remain as such until standing in eternity.
I recognize these walls of grief, the dark cloud of depression and heaviness. And when I stand in front of those walls, I don't push through, scurry to climb as fast as I can, or try to strategically go around. I sit. Yeah, I just sit. And I breathe. Deep breaths. Alright, God. This is all familiar. These old demons, this familiar darkness, the bitter cold on my skin, the confinement of walls that surround...it's all too familiar. It's the thorn in my flesh, the old monsters.
I have battle scars. I have memories of the battles within my unsurrendered soul.
The other day, I had to go through a bunch of my parents stuff because we needed to move it to a longer term storage before we make the official move to WH. Plain and simple, it was painful. The incredible amount of change, crazy schedules, unknowns, extended winters, reminders of death, fights with depression and inadequacy, and more all collided with a poignant pain of missing my mom and dad. And it was as if I was bared open to be fully and glaringly reminded of ALL of the battle scars. Years of loss and pain, season after season of depression and anxiety - and it was crushing.
And, yet, I sit before these walls. And I remind myself, I have been here. This is familiar. These are scars, not gaping wounds. He has caused these walls to crumble before. He gave me what I needed. He didn't leave me standing at the bottom. He carried, He walked alongside, He pushed and pulled, and supported-always He was there until they came crashing down.
And He will do it again.
"Your walls are ever before me." These are the kind of things our Father says to us. He said it then to His people, and His promise remains.
Is. 49:14-16 - But Zion said, “The Lord has forsaken me, And the Lord has forgotten me.” “Can a woman forget her nursing child And have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, but I will not forget you. “Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands; Your walls are continually before Me.
Do you believe it? Are you aware of it? What great walls stand before you? New battles, old battles. Are they scars causing fresh pain, reminding you of once won battles? New scary, fights that you are yet uncertain of how to combat? Don't worry, He will fight with you and for you.
Psalm 18:29 - For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall.
And, those scars, they have been healed. And every now and then they cause pain-triggers will occur. But remember, the battle was won. Your God has given you victory. If the walls have risen again, don't push through-let Him work in you to see you will overcome again and again.
Those monsters, the struggles, and temptations are drawing near again? Turn your face and bend a knee before the One who equips you with strength for the battle. He says, Alright-let's go. I'm with you. We will fight this together. We will climb it together. We did it before, we will do it again. Persist. Fight. Persevere.
Sometimes He causes the walls to crumble before us-never to be seen again. And, sometimes, He gives us the strength and might to scale the wall and climb over. Either way, our God is faithful and every time He will help us overcome.
Remind yourself of the promises He gave you then, that STILL remain true. Remember the way He provided a way, a word that brought revelation of victory and His care for you.
A soul sister of mine (Abbie Stetson) said the following and I have always loved this statement..."Just because you have to face the same enemy again doesn't take away from the first victory."
He has never and will never fail us. The one He sets free IS free indeed. There will be twinges of pain from old scars, there will be walls that you have climbed and will be asked to climb over and over again, there will be new walls and new battles - BUT - through it all He is with you and is fighting on your behalf.
This song, right here! Turn it up, close your eyes, and claim it for yourself.